Assasin's Parody
by ImJustNutty
Summary: A series of severely parodied events in AC2, starring Ezio, only more insensitive. Side-splitting hilarious wit and meanness from most characters, including the rather docile Leonardo da Vinci. Rated T for slight sexual reference.
1. Il Auditore Famiglia

**This is an evil compilation of certain series of events in Assasin's Creed II, parodied like no one's business. I forgot some of the names so...forgive me. **

Ezio had an older bro whom he was really close with. He had some girlfriend called Cristina (whom he sleeps with on a regular basis...) and a younger brother who's sickly and collects feathers. Why? I dunno. He died before we could find out.  
He has a sister, Claudia, and his mother.  
His family are against this other family called the...Viali? Or something. So one day Ezio comes home only to discover that his brothers and father have been thrown into prison under the charge of treason. No doubt a conspiracy by the Vrali or whatever.  
So, being the little monkey that Ezio is, he climbs up the jailtower to his father's cell, and the dad tells him to use his 'special talent' to find a secret door in his office, and find a chest. Within the chest holds a bunch of documents to pass to this family friend.

So lalala, Ezio goes and uses his Eagle Vision (which every assasin seems to have) and finds the door. The chest contains a White Assasin's Cloak, a Common Sword, and a bunch of documents. Ezio, being the vain guy, puts on the cloak (not understanding that it's, after all, an ASSASIN'S cloak.) and delivers the papers to the offical/family friend.  
Offical: DOn't worry, Ezio. I'll get your father out of there in no time.

Next day.

Official: Today we find the Auditores guilty of treason. They get hanged. Bye bye Giovanni Auditore. Been nice knowing you. Have you any defence?

Gio (Ezio's dad): WTF? It's a conspiracy! And my DEFENCE is the EVIDENCE that i gave to you YESTERDAY YOu TOOT.

Official: Really? I know no evidence of which thou speaketh.

Gio: Oh EFF YOU. Vengence be upon you! You will DIE--gack.  
(hangman's trapdoor opens, down with the Father and his Two Sons. Yes. Even the sickly young one who likes feathers. )

Ezio: NOOOOOO!!! FATHERR!!!!

Official; GYAHAHAHAHA. I mean, uh, GUARDS! GET HIM!

Ezio: No worries! (three hulking guards in big armour show up) Oh shite. Uh, GIMME THE BEST YA GOT, BASTARDO!

(Big guard #1 swings huge sword. Ezio's sword breaks in half)

Ezio: ...damn that father of mine. Couldn't he even get a decent sword...

Father's friend, who is a good guy: You better run, Ezio.

Ezio: Good idea. Why didn't I think of that. (runs like heck back home)

So Ezio discovers his mother and sister are still alive, at his servant's house. The servant lives in a brothel. Huh.  
So the mother is scarred for life, although there's implication that she was beaten up/raped. Not sure. THe mother wouldn't say a word anymore, cuz she can't deal with the fact that her darling youngest son is dead.  
...of course, she doesn't care that GIovanni's dead, funnily enough, even though they had quite a romance story.

Anyway, Ezio and his two lady relatives run to their uncle in Montessori or something. So the uncle says, "So Ezio my dear nipote. What are you gonna do now that my brother is dead, your mother's a walkin' vegetable and our enemies are going to kill you?"  
Ezio: I"m gonna run to ...some far away country in Europe with my mom and sis.  
Uncle: But but but your dad would want you to follow in his footsteps?  
Ezio: YOu mean my dad wants me dead? Oh wait, not that bit huh. You mean, he would want me to be a banker?  
Uncle: no you idiota. I mean...wait, he didn't TELL YOU?  
Ezio: He told me about the birds and the bees like DUH. Otherwise how did I establish myself as Florence's most sexy womanizer?

So, as Uncle Mario and Ezio are sparring, Mario explains about how his dad is ...was, an assasin, and about the whole Assasins hate Templars and how the Templars try to kill the Assasins and stuff.  
So Ezio goes like, "No way. My daddy was a...a...an...ASS..ASSA...ASSASIN?!"  
Mario: "Asses don't become Assasins. But yeah, he was an assasin."  
Ezio: (after a day or so) I MUST AVENGE MY DADDY AND BECOME AN ASSASIN!  
Mario: Good boy, nipote.


	2. Oh bella Venice

**Pardon the slight reference to Tales of Vesperia's Yuri Lowell's Mystic Arte and Base Arte, Savage Wolf Fury and Azure Edge respectively.**

**Tales of Vesperia belongs to Namco Bandai. As does Yuri and his awesome artes.**

One fine day, Ezio Auditore finished killing all the Pazzi. Lorenzo: So wotcha gonna do now?  
Ezio: I'm gonna kill MAWR people! I mean, apparently the Pazzi aren't the only ones who betrayed my family. Turns out there's a lot more. ALso lets me release all the held up sexual and teenage tension since I haven't slept with any hot girls lately, what with all this killing and stuff. And for revenge. Yeah, revenge.  
Lorenzo: Oh dear. You MUST go and find those conspirators! Here, I have a gift for you?  
Ezio: ....it's not CHristmas yet, Lorenzo.  
Lorenzo: (ignores) this cape lets everyone see that you are a friend of my family, and the guards will be more...tolerant to your behaviour. Mind you, it's NOT immunity.  
Ezio: Whatever. I'll be careful.  
Lorenzo: Good. Thank you again, my boy.  
Ezio: (bows)

...a few minutes later, 5 guards were spotted, dead, with signs of a hidden blade stabbed into their hearts, and a looted chest. Lorenzo sighed. THat cape was pretty useless.

Ezio: LEONARDO?! LEO, LEO, WHERE ART THOU LEOOOO...  
Random servant: Ah, mi displace. Messer Leonardo has been commissioned by some noble in Venezuela to paint. It's a great opportunity.  
Ezio: ...ah, grazie millie.  
Ezio (secretly in his heart): Well, how nice. I came here to tell him I was going to Venice, and turns out he's going there already. "

HYAH!" Ezio leapt onto a horse and knocked several bypassers. Knocking down several guards, he yells, "SO LONG, SUCKERS!" The guards stare and swear as they watch the dissapearing assasin stick up his third finger and gallop toward the north east.

"Leonardo!"  
"Ezio!"  
Leo: Great ta see ya mate.  
Ezio: Wagon trouble?  
Leo: Yeah.  
Ezio: Need help? Lemme take a look...  
Leo: Actually, I already figured it out. Could you help me lift the wagon?  
Ezio: (...never underestimate Leonardo da Vinci..) HURAAAUGGHHHHH...  
Leo: (does something to the wagon wheel)  
Ezio: Hey, Leo. What's this bat-like thing here?  
Leo: It's a flying machine!  
Ezio: ....did you forget to take your medicine? L  
eo: (ignores) let's go to Venice.

Ezio: TRa lalalalalaaaaaaa ...happy road trippppp ...to VenNNEEEEEE zueEEEElaaaaAAAA.... my BEAUTIFULLLLL cityYYYYY...  
Leo: Have you been drinking?  
(WHIIIIINNNNNNEEEEYYYYYYY) L  
eo: Oh crap soldiers are after us! Damn you Ezio!  
Ezio: (ignores) THey are from ...some Lord/Count/Duke guy who hates me! Get inside the wagon and I'll drive!  
Leo: (jumps inside like a rabbit)  
Ezio: Baka usagi.(Italian speaking jap. Wao.)  
Soldier: (jumps onto wagon)  
Ezio: TIme to show off my AMBULANCE DRIVING QUALIFICATIONS! (swerves wagon violently) Soldier: WHEEEE....i mean, WAAAAAAAUUUUUGHHHH...  
Leo (in the wagon): Ezio! Behind you!  
Soldier 2: (grabs Ezio)  
Leo: DO SOMETHING EZIO!  
Ezio: I'll blow you away! OVER LIMIT! (draws sword) Oh silver blade of coldest steel...rend the infinite darkness...and crush my enemies to nothing!.....SAVAGE WOLF FURY!!!!  
Leo: ...that was unexpected. And wasn't that Yuri Lowell's Mystic arte, the guy from Terca Lumeri....  
Ezio: GET INSIDE THE BLIDDY WAGON!  
Leo: Yes dad.

(later)  
Ezio: THey're after me. You drive to Venice. I'll meet you there.  
Leo: Okay. ...wait, didn't i say it was your fault just now?  
Leo: ...Ezio?

Ezio: ALRIGHT MY PRETTIES. WHO WANTS A PIECE OF MEEEEEE....  
Soldiers 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9: RAAAAAARRRRR BRAINSSSS  
Ezio: AZURE EDGE!!!

...  
Ezio: That was too easy.

After a bit of running, Ezio reached a little place called Forli.  
Ezio: Leonardo!  
Leo: Ezio!  
Leo: Let's get on this boat to Venice.  
Boat guy: Where's your pass?  
Ezio: ...what pass?  
Boat guy: you need to be invited to Venice before you can go. Who invited you?  
Ezio: ...uhhhh NObody?  
Boat guy: TOo bad. Can't go.  
Leo: BUT BUT BUT  
Ezio: DOn't worry, Leo. I'll figure something out.  
A female voice: SOMEBODY SAVE ME!  
Ezio: How the rell did that woman get onto that lone island in the middle of nowhere...  
(jumps on boat)  
Row row row...  
Ezio: Madonna (which just means, my lady, i think)  
Lady: Grazie. You are really impressive.  
Ezio: I wasn't doing it for anything but to help one in need...  
Lady: Ooh, that makes you even more impressive.  
Ezio: //// Row row row Lady: Is there anything I can do to reward you? Ezio: we-ellllll.... (later) Lady: NOW GIVE THAT CUTE GUY A BOAT RIDE. Boat guy: O_O Yes ma'am. (later) Lady: If you come back again, I'll take care of you. Ezio: I look forward to your...hospitality. As leo and ezio are on the ship, ezio waving to Cathrine (the lady)... Leo: That's a dangerous woman. Be careful. Ezio: Huh? Leo: That's the daughter of some big rich duke, and her husband... Ezio: her HUSBAND?!!! Leo: Yeah. my point exactly. Her HUSBAND is some big rich duke. She is as dangerous and cunning as she is beautiful and charming. Ezio: ....my kind of lady. ^^ Leo : (FACEPALM)


	3. Il Flying Demon

**Only 2 reviews? C'mon, people. You can do better than that.**

Ezio hauled the last of Leonardo's baggage off the ship. "Man, this stuff is HEAVY. What do you put inside, gold bars?!"

Leonardo's eyes widened in fear, and hissed, "Keep your voice down, Ezio! Do you want me to get mugged?"

Ezio stared at Leonardo.

After that rather uneventful tour of the city, Ezio stared at the palazzo.

"What a pretty building," he thought. "I think it'll look even nicer if the archers on top were dead, and that the Templar bastardi weren't going to kill the fat guy inside…"

"RAAARRRRRRRR! IN AN INSTANT, OUR HEARTS ECHO…IMPACT CROSS!"

Ezio turned to see who said that ridiculously cheesy line. He was greeted by a sight of mangy thieves charging toward the guards at the palazzo, and that tomboyish girl rushing to climb up the building, only to be halted by an arrow through the leg.

She stumbled toward him. "Heyyy…you're that chick who charged into me just now!"

"Help me get to the water!"

Ezio picked her up and was about to chuck her over the edge of the bridge he was standing off, but she punched his nose. "NOT THIS WATER, IDIOTA. Follow me!"

He watched as she limped away, and he ran after her.

"Hurry up! They're getting closer!" She shouted.

Ezio looked behind him. Evidently that arrow through the leg was causing her to hallucinate. And how did a limping person move faster than he did anyway?!

Eventually they got to the water that she wanted to go to, and she fell.

"Can you walk?" asked Ezio stupidly.

After a pointed stare, he picked her up. "Man, you're heavier than you look. What do you have in your pockets, gold bars?!"

"Shut up, bastardo! Do you want me to get mugged?!"

Déjà vu.

"Hey, Rosa, you look a lot like Rebecca…" thought the Desmond part of Ezio, aloud.

"Huh-h..?"

**DESYNCHRONISATION IMMINENT. Ezio never said that.**

"Uh, uh! Never mind that! Just…imagine I never said anything!" Desmond mentally slapped himself.

Rosa went back to groaning and cursing in pain.

"Quick! Clear a table to put Rosa on!"

Ezio noted the 3 piles of bird poop on the table. They were going to treat her…HERE?

"Make yourself useful and pass me a piece of clean linen!"

That thing…was the yellow colour normal?

"Put it on the wound when I pull out the arrow."

Desmond spaced out for a moment, and only another agonizing scream from Rosa woke him enough to stuff the wound quickly.

"Okay. So, Ezio. Meet me in that room."

"You kidding me? That room is small dark, and not to mention you're a creepy middle-aged dude with a creepy mustache and have you ever slept with a girl before, or do you swing that way? And you're a thief! Try anything funny and I'll stick my hidden blade up where the sun don't shine…"

Antonio ignored Ezio and walked into the room.

(Later, after scouting the palazzo)

"Oh LEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOO….."

"HYAUGH!" Crash. "OH CRAP! Ezio, KNOCK FIRST!"

"Never mind that! Leonardo. I need that wacky flying thingamajig of yours!"

"Oh! You mean my flying machine?"

"YES!"

"…you just broke it."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…crap."

"But fear not! I, the AWESOME LEONARDO DA VINCI, will fix it!"

(A while later…)

"Tada! Good as new!"

"That hole, is it supposed to be th—"

"QUESTION NOT THE AWESOMENESS OF LEONARDO DA VINCI. Anyway, this thing is scary and incomplete. I refuse to test it because I refuse to leap off a tall building and risk crashing into something hard, sharp, and painful."

"Ooh! Me! Pick me! MEEEEE! OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEEEASE pick ME ME ME! ME WANNA FLY…"

"Okay, okay. But if you die, I'm not going to tell your mother or sister."

"Ready, Ezio?"

"Ready!"

"It's not about being lighter than air. It's about being graceful, like a bird…"

"So, I have to be pansy and fairy to fly?"

"Exactly. Now, leap!"

"WHEEEEEEEEE~~"

Crash.

"….E-ezio?"

"That…was…EXTREME! LET'S DO IT AGAIN!"

"Wait, let's scrape you off the side of that building first."

"I CAN'T DO IT!" Leonardo wailed as he chucked a piece of paper into the fire.

Antonio and Ezio emoed in a corner as they tried to rethink their plans. Leonardo suddenly jumped up from staring at the fire, and shouted "I'M A GENIUS!"

"What is it?" Ezio asked.

"MARSHMALLOWS! That's the key! You need to roast marshmallows over the potatoes to enhance their sweetness!"

"YES! THAT'S BRILLIANT!" Antonio slapped hands with Ezio, and they danced in a wild circle around the table like drunk idiots.

Antonio stopped. "Wait, what about the flying machine, then?"

"Ah, yes. That thing. It's simple. We need huge fires under the wings of the machine to give it extra lift."

"I'm on it!"

"I'll go assassinate some guards so Antonio can put his men on the roofs to light the fires."

"And I'll get the potatoes~!"

"Alright. I'm ready." Ezio leapt off the building. "Pansy fairy, pansy fairy, pansy fairy. I'm a flying pansy fairy. I'm a flying pansy fairy. I will not fall to my death. I will not fall to my death. I'm a flying pansy fairy."

He soared gently over the first fire.

"OH CRAP. SHOOT THE FLYING DEMON!" screamed one of the guards.

"I'M A PANSY FAIRY, NOT A DEMON YOU IDIOTS!" shouted Ezio as he dodged the fire arrows.

Eventually he landed on top of the palazzo, and leapt toward the fat guy and his assassin.

"Pudgy Poge! That guy's trying to kill you!"

"Too late, Assassin! The Poge is DOOMED!"

Ezio looked at the Poge, and shrugged. "I tried."

The Poge pointed a pudgy finger at the old man who poisoned him. "How dare you!"

Ezio pounced on top of the old man and assassinated him. "Takes an assassin to kill another, huh?"

"Yeah. Gacckkk."

The Poge stumbled out and said, "You…killed…me…GACKKKK."

The guards, naturally, thought Ezio killed the Poge.

"EFF YOU, Poge. You could have at least specified who you were pointing fingers at…" Ezio sprinted out of the palazzo and ran all the way back to Leonardo's workshop.

"Ezio! You're alive! I thought they would have shot down the flying demon. I heard you killed the Poge. WHY DID YOU?! HE WAS GOING TO COMMISSION ME TO PAIN HIS PORTRAIT FOR TEN THOUSAND FLORINS."

"I didn't, but it matters not. I'm the most wanted man in Venice, and it's all that Pudgy's fault."

"It's Poge."

"Whatever. No difference."

"Yes there is. Anyway, you can wear this mask at the Carnevale tomorrow."

"…it's pretty pointless…I mean, it covers the part of my face that my hood hides."

"Too bad. It's how things work here. Don't ask me."

"Whatever." And Ezio ran out, charging into people as he shoved them out of the way.

And no one stopped him, because no one knew who the man under the mask was, despite the very obvious hood and outfit.

**Does anyone find that Maria (Altair's girlfriend) looks like Lucy, and Rosa looks like Rebecca (the girl who made the Animus 2.0)?**

**Reviews appreciated.**


End file.
